


to see the sun, to paint the sky

by Kidfish



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F, First Time, Mild Sexual Content, Missing Scene, shelby-centric, the goat is an honorary main character, this could be rated M but I was being careful with the rating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:33:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28140207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kidfish/pseuds/Kidfish
Summary: Shelby meets Toni’s gaze until she’s impossibly close to Toni’s face, her lips. She hasn’t moved, hasn’t said anything, still has that stubborn set to her jaw, the challenging fire in her eyes that seems to whisper, I dare you, which Shelby takes as a win. She closes her eyes as she slides her hand to cup Toni’s cheek, anchoring both of them. Their noses bump and press together and Shelby can feel the heat radiating from Toni’s face, the peeling skin scratching softly against her own burnt face.She remembers kissing Toni the first time and it’s equally as exciting and intoxicating the second time, if not more. Toni’s lips are chapped against hers but they’re soft and sweet from the lychee juice. Her world slips out of balance when Toni presses back, gently, and she sways a little, her knees unused to the slope she’s standing on and the feeling of Toni reciprocating what she wants, what she needs.or: Toni and Shelby spend the night away from the others and what they learn about each other in the process
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 28
Kudos: 741





	to see the sun, to paint the sky

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I never thought this would happen but 6 days and almost 9000 words later, here we are :)
> 
> As what happens with most of my writing, this intended to be short and sweet and instead, became much softer and more introspective than I planned.
> 
> Like I said in the tags, I considered making this Mature but made it Explicit just in case. It's very soft and sweet, nothing crazy.
> 
> Enjoy!

Considering the plane crash, being stuck on an abandoned island in the middle of the ocean, and all of the other near death experiences she's had to face in the past three weeks, Shelby can easily say her decision to kiss Toni under the lychee tree was the most normal she had felt in days.

Which of course, terrifies her.

But Toni said it best, at least on the island she’s free. Free from all of the stupid rules and restrictions and expectations her family and others put on her. Hell, she’d be disappointed in herself if she didn’t take advantage of this situation, God knows she deserves it after the weeks she’s had. And with someone as beautiful as Toni, someone who drives her crazy but wants her back nonetheless. Wants her and kissed her back even though she’s some bucktooth hick from Texas. 

It’s a little nerve wracking, stepping into Toni’s space after the other girl brushes whatever remnants of lychee from her cheek. They’re out in the open, exposed in the little clearing on top of the small hill with the lychee tree. Not only vulnerable to predators (though the only predator she’s seen was the snake with Dot. She’s not exactly jumping at the chance to get acquainted with the island’s animals who consider her a base layer of the food chain.) but one of the other girls could easily run into them. 

Shelby knows, logically, even if that did happen it would be a non-issue other than just plain embarrassment, especially after how everyone gave her the silent treatment after the oyster incident. Plus, she’s pretty sure Fatin would flirt with anyone who had a pulse regardless of gender. Figures, she’d be the only one with issues and she actually has to live with it. Not that Shelby has issues with being gay, it’s just, when you grow up the way she did, it makes things...confusing. She definitely needs to see a therapist after this. For the gay thing, well if she’s being honest with herself, probably for this knockoff-Survivor hell she’s experiencing right now also, but mostly for the gay thing. 

But then again, maybe she doesn’t because she feels a surge of confidence and leans in even more. She meets Toni’s gaze until she’s impossibly close to Toni’s face, her lips. She hasn’t moved, hasn’t said anything, still has that stubborn set to her jaw, the challenging fire in her eyes that seems to whisper, _I dare you,_ which Shelby takes as a win. She closes her eyes as she slides her hand to cup Toni’s cheek, anchoring both of them. Their noses bump and press together and Shelby can feel the heat radiating from Toni’s face, the peeling skin scratching softly against her own burnt face. 

She remembers kissing Toni the first time and it’s equally as exciting and intoxicating the second time, if not more. Toni’s lips are chapped against hers but they’re soft and sweet from the lychee juice. Her world slips out of balance when Toni presses back, gently, and she sways a little, her knees unused to the slope she’s standing on and the feeling of Toni reciprocating what she wants, needs.

It’s over too soon as Toni pulls back. Maybe it’s the altitude but Shelby has trouble breathing for a second, her mind firmly stuck on wanting to kiss Toni again. Her heart drops slightly when she sees the look on Toni’s face. With her mouth turned down and her eyes keeping that same hard blaze and tense posture, it feels like anger, but Shelby can’t tell.

“Are you sure?” Toni asks, calm and controlled. But Shelby hears the anxiety beneath her words and notices the way Toni’s voice quivers, almost imperceptibly, and understands immediately. She’s surprised how easily she can read the other girl, who by any other definition should be a stranger, but that’s a side effect of fighting for your life together on a tropical island, she muses. After sneaking glances at her in between their conversations that feel like an ongoing two-week long argument and watching Toni almost die and then kissing her, Shelby supposes she might know Toni better than she originally imagined. And maybe Toni knows her too.

She looks at Toni, standing across from her, with her hair messy and tangled and looking so much like Becca when they’d go to her daddy’s Soulcycle classes and Shelby _aches._ Her mind unwillingly flashes back to the moment in her room, to Becca whispering “you kissed me, Shelby'' on her front porch, to the funeral, to her daddy coming into her room with a strange pamphlet and a conversation about “sending you away to get fixed, Shelbs”. She thinks of Becca watching her as she spun around her room in her yellow pageant dress, Becca kissing her back even though her hands were shaking, Becca outside of her house looking so, so scared. What even were they, other than just two scared girls whose lives had upended before they were even started?

Fear has controlled her whole life and she’s hurt people because of it, but Shelby’s tired of running, tired of feeling judged for being herself. Here with Toni, she might be scared but it’s not because she wants to kiss her, wants to be with her. 

So she steps forward, swallows the lump in her throat and presses her lips softly against Toni’s. There’s a moment where Toni doesn’t move, doesn’t kiss her back, and Shelby’s heart stutters. Maybe this was the wrong decision, maybe she shouldn’t have come on so strongly, but then Toni is kissing her back. She feels instead of seeing the small smile on Toni’s lips. The tense feeling in her stomach she’s felt since, well forever, relaxes. Toni pulls back again, but this time, she doesn't separate their foreheads. Shelby opens her eyes to look at Toni, who still has her eyes closed. Her mouth is open, lips parted, and Shelby can feel the ragged puffs of air on her face as Toni breathes out. She was wrong, she realizes, as Toni’s eyes flick down to her lips again, concentrating the heat of her gaze somewhere in the dip of skin above her upper lip. 

“I'm sure,” her voice is scratchy, deeper than it usually is, no doubt to the lack of proper hydration. She's prepared to fight back against Toni's questions, to argue with her (it seems like that's the one activity they're both really good at) that she's ready, that she wants this, despite what she's said before. But apparently it’s all Toni needs to hear before moving her hand to cradle Shelby’s face. For how hot it’s been the past few days, Toni’s hand is actually cool against her skin. Shelby moves quickly to mirror the movement and she brings their lips together again. 

Once they start kissing, Toni’s hands move from her face to grab at her back, grazing across the fabric of her top. Shelby remembers Toni’s hands holding her waist during their first kiss and suddenly they’re not close enough. She scrabbles for Toni’s tank top and starts to pull it over her head. Toni breaks away to lift her arms above her head to help remove it and the force of her movements press their bodies completely together. A swoop of nerves and something else settles pleasantly at the bottom of her stomach at the sight of Toni in her bra and leggings. It shouldn’t spark anything new in her since they’ve all basically seen each other in various states of undress because, as Dot eloquently said, the island is “hotter than Satan’s asscrack”. And nudity was common in the dressing rooms at pageants, so another girl’s body isn’t new to her, but considering the circumstances and the look in Toni’s eyes after she tossed her shirt on the ground, it makes her undeniably excited.

Toni reaches for her tank top but Shelby is eager so she grabs it and in one smooth motion, lifts it above her head and tosses it away without even looking where it lands. She doesn’t want to take her eyes off of Toni, doesn’t want to stop seeing this beautiful girl across from her, doesn’t want to stop kissing her. Just like everything else on the island, it doesn’t feel real that she’s allowed to kiss Toni, to hold her close. Not only does Toni let her, but she leans into the touch, keeping their foreheads pressed together. She cups Toni’s face with both of her hands, breathing her in until Toni is the one to surge forward and close the distance between them. She grasps Shelby’s wrists as if to say _I’m not going anywhere,_ but then her hands move and lands in a fistful of Shelby’s hair. She can only imagine how much of a rat’s nest it is, especially since she mangled half of it with Fatin’s scissors the other day, but Toni doesn’t seem to mind, just readjusts when her fingers snag in the infinite amount of knots.

At some point, Toni bites down on her lip and Shelby gasps into her mouth. It heats up pretty quickly after that; Toni’s hands are everywhere on her body: skimming her sunburned shoulders, gripping at her hips, fiddling with the seams of her sports bra in a desperately focused sort of way that makes Shelby’s head spin. She can feel the restless energy emitting from Toni so she’s confused when her hands end up pausing comfortably (safely) on her waist. Shelby lets out a frustrated groan loud enough that Toni breaks their kiss with a chuckle, but it gets the result she wants: Toni’s hands start wandering over her body again. Her skin buzzes behind the path of Toni’s fingers, conjuring waves of goosebumps to form even though it’s sweaty and humid and the generally grossly hot sun is shining through the trees. Toni lingers around the bottom of her sports bra again, tapping on her ribs lazily. Shelby almost laughs, it feels like she’s trying to ask her a question in Morse code. 

Shelby thinks back to her boyfriend (or, she supposes ex-boyfriend, if what Dot was telling her was true then she has no doubt he would have inevitably moved on by now. She can’t say she’s upset.) and the few times she allowed him to kiss her. At first it was nice, but then it was clear he wanted more, just wanted her for her body. She remembers when he tried putting his hand up her shirt and she backed away, the thought of his large, sweaty palms on her body like he was entitled, disgusted her. 

It’s strange; when she’d imagined this with a woman (the few times she allowed herself to, it was always in her room, late at night, when she knew her parents would be fast asleep) it was with a nameless, faceless stranger. More importantly, every time there was an underlying sense of urgency, like she was trying to get it over with as fast as possible, but then again maybe that was her guilt seeping into her imagination. What were you even supposed to do with another girl? So far, everything is familiar: the kissing and wandering hands. That’s easy, she can manage that, but her mind trails off, if it’s going to progress she can only imagine what will happen. 

Even though she’s not quite sure, she wants to experience it, as much as she can, with Toni. Thank goodness, Toni doesn’t seem to be in any sort of hurry. From the moment Shelby took their shirts off, Toni’s let her set the pace, something Shelby’s grateful for. Toni kisses her sweetly and her hands roam but Shelby can tell she’s not asking for anything more. It’s the most calm and respectful Toni’s has been on the island that Shelby’s witnessed, other than her interactions with Martha. Even with their shirts off, what they’re doing could be classified as a heavy make-out session. Toni hasn’t made a move for anything past 2nd base and Shelby has a feeling she won’t unless she explicitly asks Toni to do something or she does it herself. Again, she’s appreciative of Toni’s patience, but still, it’s not every day you’re stuck on a deserted island with a chance to explore your sexuality with a beautiful girl. Plus, a girl has needs. 

There’s an ache in the pit of her stomach that’s been building since Toni kissed her back, something deeper than the hunger she’s felt for the past few days. It’s similar to the one she’d feel when experimenting with the different water pressure settings in her bathtub jacuzzi, but also infinitely different. The only word Shelby can think of to describe it is _vivid_. Maybe all-consuming, as a close runner-up. Everything she’s feeling is magnified by Toni’s presence, the pull in her gut, the buzzing in her skin, the tingle in her lips. Toni responds to everything she does, even the tiniest movements, her body shifting in time with Shelby’s own. When she moves her hand a little lower from where it was previously resting in the divot of Toni’s lower back, Toni gasps. A little later, she’s feeling particularly bold and Shelby grazes her hand along the skin of Toni’s stomach and when Toni visibly shivers, pressing their bodies even closer together, effectively trapping Shelby’s hand. She’s in awe.

But with every moment like that, there’s also one where Toni pulls back. It’s like she’s constantly reminding herself not to go too far, not to be too rough. To remain in control. Well, Shelby can handle herself. Maybe she doesn’t have everything figured out, but she’d never forgive herself if she missed an opportunity like this one.

Frustrated, mostly at herself, Shelby takes matters into her own hands, metaphorically speaking. The next time Toni’s hand ghosts around her ribs, Shelby takes her hand and moves it higher. Both of them suck in a tight breath, as Toni’s hand covers her breast. Her hand is small and a little calloused and closes reflexively. Shelby’s mind instantly whites out and she feels dizzy, like when she’d push herself too hard at the end of her spin classes. She can feel her nipple pressing hard into Toni’s palm, straining against the material of her bra.

Toni breaks their kiss and looks at Shelby with wide eyes, filled with wonder. She’s sure her face mirrors the same kind of astonishment. 

“This okay?” And wow, Shelby’s never heard Toni breathless like this, like she can’t get her breathing under control.

“Gosh, yes,” she says, annoyed how her accent comes out stronger in a moment like this.

To make her point clear, Shelby pushes against Toni’s hand. It sends tiny bolts of electricity arcing from her chest to the rest of her body. 

“Okay,” Toni’s voice is lower than it usually is in a way that makes Shelby shudder. 

She wraps an arm around the back of Toni’s neck with a little too much force (she forgets Toni is several inches shorter than her, what she lacks in height, she usually makes up in attitude), pulling her close again. It knocks her off balance and they both stumble, accidentally hitting several low-hanging branches of the lychee tree. They break apart, laughing. 

Shelby is surprised with how outwardly relaxed Toni looks. She’s grown used to the scowl or at least a look of indifference Toni wears when she glances in Shelby’s general direction, so it’s disarming to see the happiness in her features, carefree and unreserved. Shelby tries to take a step towards Toni but she slips on a crushed lychee nut and trips. Thankfully, she doesn’t fall but makes a big enough scene of flapping her arms to catch her balance that Toni erupts into a fresh wave of giggles. Then, something she thought would never happen: Toni’s laughing but then honest-to-God snorts. The sound takes both of them off guard and Shelby laughs even harder. Toni laughs too but it just ends up turning into a mixture of honking and laughing. 

She’s still laughing so she doesn’t see Toni bend over and pick up a few stray lychees but she does watch Toni as she stands back up, her gaze too low to be considered heterosexual. Toni narrows her eyes as she walks over to her and she’s definitely been caught staring at Toni’s ass. Shelby tries to think of a plausible excuse but she can only remember kicking Toni as she walked away from one of their arguments. It had been firm enough, not rock-hard, but malleable enough around the toe of her sandal. The first lychee hits her square in the forehead, hard enough to knock any appreciative thoughts about Toni’s ass quickly out of her mind.

“Hey!” she says, indignantly,

Toni shrugs, trying to look innocent but failing incredibly. There’s an easy smirk on her face. Shelby notices it brings out a dimple in her left cheek.

The next fruit hits her on the arm and Toni’s wrist is still in motion when Shelby looks up at her. Toni freezes in her stance with her hand above her head and wrist flexed like she just sunk the goddamn winning free throw shot and won the game for her team. 

“Do you mind?” She asks again, but this time there’s no real bite to her voice. 

Toni just shrugs again, that annoyingly attractive look on her face. She can’t know what it’s doing to Shelby’s libido.

“Hey I gotta practice somehow. I was star point guard back at school. Coach’ll kick me off the team if I don’t keep up my skills.”

“You’re cocky,” Shelby says. “Besides these could be our food source.”

“Confident,” Toni wags her finger, “there’s a difference. And there’s like thousands of them on the tree.” The smirk on her face grows bigger as Shelby turns away from her. She’d never admit it, but the whole confidence thing was working for her. Maybe Toni does know what she’s doing. Shelby feels her resolve slipping, Toni clearly has the upper hand and she knows it. It’s destabilizing, so Shelby needs to think of something quick to get them on an even playing field.

“Are you sure your aim is that good?” she baits Toni, hoping she’ll take it.

“Come on Shelby. I used to make three-pointers with my eyes closed.” She does. 

“Well then, try this shot,” Shelby takes in a breath, steeling herself. She pulls the top of her shirt open, just a little, “Sink a lychee into my bra.”

Toni’s eyes zero in on the movement, her eyes unashamedly staring at Shelby’s chest. Hook, line, and sinker. “Is that a bet?”

“Depends if you want it to be,” Shelby can feel her confidence coming back. She can play this game.

“What’ll happen when I win?” Toni isn’t making direct eye contact with her chest anymore, but her eyes keep flickering down.

“You’ll see, if you make the shot,” she says.

“Oh, trust me, I will,” Toni’s voice wavers and cracks but Shelby chooses to ignore it.

She gives a non-committal hum and steps away from the lychee tree. There’s about fifteen feet between her and Toni. She waits as Toni stoops down, inspecting the round fruit around her feet. She seems satisfied with a particularly small one, right near the edge of her left ankle, tossing it in her hand for the weight before standing up with it. 

“Step to the right an inch,” Toni instructs. Shelby tries to let it show how much she enjoys Toni telling her what to do. She feels her ears heat up, a sign of her embarrassment she hopes Toni doesn’t pick up on. 

“One shot,” she calls out. 

Toni smirks, “That’s all I need.” God, she never thought she’d find an _athlete_ attractive, but maybe it’s just Toni that does it for her. 

Shelby stands there, arms hanging limply at her side, waiting for Toni to move, who seems to be lost in thought. She’s murmuring to herself and Shelby catches a few odd phrases and words, maybe a basketball thing?

Then, Toni looks up and locks eyes with Shelby. Her playful, goofy manner transforms into something completely different; she’s all focus and concentration. It shouldn’t be as hot as it is. 

Shelby can see the lychee moving around Toni’s hand, interweaving it between her pointer finger and thumb. Toni takes a breath and then starts moving, but not towards Shelby. She mimics dribbling, the lychee firmly in her hand. Her head stays down but she’s talking to herself. If Shelby strains her ears, tunes out the natural sounds of the island she can make out the steady stream of commentary Toni has going for herself.

“-and Shalifoe has it at the top of the paint. Firebirds are down in this last quarter with less than a minute left in the clock. Shalifoe looks to pass, but no one’s open. Looks like it’s up to her to save the Firebirds to win the state championship-”

Shelby rolls her eyes. Of course Toni’s playing it like this. She’s ridiculous.

“-back on track. She goes for it but the other team blocks. Luckily, she cuts around the pic-” Toni pivots on her heel, closing in on Shelby- “and there’s only a few seconds left on the clock now. Shalifoe’s has no options left, she’s gotta shoot-”

From over six feet away and with form that would rival most NBA players, (actually Shelby wouldn’t know. She doesn’t watch basketball.) Toni throws the nut into the air. They watch as it arcs gracefully through the air in slow motion, almost floating. There’s no way she’s going to make it, the angle is surely off or a breeze will blow it off course. But Toni’s aim is true. Shelby watches in disbelief as it travels through the air and feels as it hits her skin just below the hollow of her throat and sinks into her bra, right in the center.

“And the crowd goes wild!” Toni yells, entirely too smug with herself. She turns away and holds up both of her arms like she’s won an actual state championship and starts waving to the invisible crowd. Shelby watches as she does some weird dance move, moving her fists in a circular motion. For a moment, she can see Toni in her element: on the court in her basketball uniform, commanding her team through the playoffs, the enthusiastic crowd packed onto rickety bleachers, the band playing in the background. She imagines Toni in her school’s uniform, all self-assured and brilliant, and her brain short-circuits for a moment. Shelby was never a fan of basketball much but Andrew had some buddies on the team so they’d go occasionally to support his friends. Of course, basketball isn’t as popular in Texas like football or soccer, but there were still sizable crowds. She found the boys at her school even more aggravating when organized sport was involved. There was too much yelling, too many exposed chests with bad paint jobs on them, too virile. They were probably overcompensating for something, she always thought. 

Toni looks back at Shelby, throwing her an open-mouthed grin over her shoulder, looking like a kid on Christmas morning. “Told you I’d make it.”

Yes, well, Shelby’s plan was guaranteed on Toni making it. She’s been riled up by Toni for weeks, the shorter girl digging and clawing her way under Shelby’s skin, it was time to get back, time for her to have the upper hand. She takes a deep breath and pulls out her wild card. Toni is still turned away from Shelby so she doesn’t see her right away.

Being shirtless in the forest isn’t as strange as she thought it would be. In some ways, it’s completely the same as wearing clothes, just a little bit more chilly. Her pink bra is at her side, hanging onto one of her fingers. Toni’s winning lychee is somewhere near her feet, but she really couldn’t care less about it, not when she’s standing here and Toni hasn’t seen her yet. Shelby’s always been confident with her body, minus her teeth, and she knows she’s conventionally attractive with her long, blonde hair that screams Southern Doll and even longer legs. She’s had enough boys (and even some men at her church) tell her she’s beautiful, gorgeous, and every other adjective that’s similar that she can think of. Not to mention, she’s used to people judging her for her body, with pageants and all. The dressing rooms with all the pageant girls in them was another type competition before the actual pageant.

“-see that’s why I…” Toni is mid sentence when she turns around but whatever else she’s going to say dies on her tongue. Her eyes go so wide when she sees Shelby’s bare chest, Shelby is concerned they might pop out of their sockets. Unsurprisingly, Toni tries not to glue her eyes to Shelby’s exposed skin, but she’s unsuccessful. It’s actually a little amusing to see Toni’s reaction, she thinks. She can see the moment Toni’s brain stopped working, like a fuse being cut short. Shelby thought she would be uncomfortable, standing in front of Toni topless as the other girl surveyed her, but the look in Toni’s eyes is different than she’s used to. It’s not that it lacks hunger (oh there’s definitely hunger) but her face is open and gentle, unlike the men who scrutinized and analyzed her body.

Shelby realizes she hasn’t said anything since before Toni did her silly make-believe basketball routine. She should probably say something instead of just standing here, prostituting herself for Toni.

“Um, hi. I’m, uh, ready,” her throat is dry so she trips over her words because of course she does. Even in a situation like this, she can never seem to get the upper hand. However, Toni is still frozen in place and speechless, so Shelby is secretly pleased with herself for the plan working out. 

Toni walks towards her, in a haze, and Shelby tries to be patient, she really does, but she can’t help surging forward and kissing her. Shelby’s touch must have been some type of key, unlocking Toni’s brain, because the moment Shelby’s lips touch hers, Toni responds immediately. Their kisses have been relatively tame up until this point, some tongue here, some teeth there, but now Toni doesn’t hold back. It’s not necessarily aggressive, but Shelby can feel the power in her movements, Toni’s muscles flexing under her touch. She grips at the top of Toni’s back, right between her shoulder blades, as Toni kisses a line from her mouth to the edge of her jaw. Her mouth finds an area of skin, right under Shelby’s earlobe, and nips at it. Shelby doesn’t recognize the sound that escapes from her mouth. Her hands tighten involuntarily into Toni’s skin, her nails digging into her back. 

Shelby shifts, one of her hands gripping Toni’s upper arm, and she thinks for a moment Toni is going to pick her up. She doesn’t and Shelby finds herself a little disappointed, imagining wrapping her legs around Toni’s torso and woah, maybe she’s getting ahead of herself. 

She’s distracted by the way her hands feel running through Toni’s hair, so she doesn’t expect Toni’s hand to creep up her body and settle just below the swell of her breast. 

“You sure?” Toni looks up at her, her hand hovering over Shelby’s right nipple and the image of it makes Shelby dizzy. 

“Yeah,” she swallows. She looks into Toni’s eyes, her pupils blown wide. “I’m okay.”

And she is, doesn’t want to think about anything else, just feel Toni’s body and hands against hers, without thinking about her stupid life back home and all the people that make her feel powerless. So she kisses Toni so hard it knocks the air right out of her lungs. Her hand ends up clutching Toni’s face, it’s one of her favorite ways to touch her, her thumb ghosting over her pulse point. Her heart is beating a hundred miles an hour but Shelby is sure hers is going faster, it has to be, just from the way Toni is touching her. And then Shelby wonders if it’s possible to die from tachycardia, if her heart beats too fast it explodes, because Toni swipes her thumb over her nipple. 

She can’t control her hips jerking forward and can’t control her vocal cords letting out a low, sharp, “Fuck.”

Toni chuckles and mutters something too quiet for her to hear, so Shelby pulls back and narrows her eyes at her. 

“I like that,” Toni admits. 

Shelby can feel her cheeks flush. “You mean when I…” she’s too embarrassed to say the vulgar word out of context so her words trail off into silence.

“When you said fuck,” Toni finishes her sentence. Shelby doesn’t mean to but she winces at the word. Product of growing up in a God-fearing Christian home. She doesn’t need to look at Toni to know she’s rolling her eyes. 

“Fine, when you _cursed_. That better?” Now it’s Shelby’s turn to roll her eyes. Texans don’t curse, they cuss, but Toni wouldn’t know that being from Minnesota and also rather crass.

“Why?” She’s genuinely interested in Toni’s response.

“I don’t know. I guess it reminds me that you’re not this perfect little Southern gal without any substance.” Okay, ouch that hurts a little, but the good thing is Toni doesn’t think of her that way, at least not all the time.

“Oh believe me, I am far from perfect.”

Toni gives her a look she can’t quite decipher and she’s trying to think of something else to say when Toni braces her hand against the middle of Shelby’s chest.

“Hey Shelby? Stop talking.” 

She does, gladly.

A little bit later, Shelby wrestles with unhooking Toni’s bra before giving up and letting Toni unhook it herself. She thought she could handle it, she’s unhooked her own hundreds of times before but the angle was all off and it didn’t help that Toni was mouthing at the juncture of where her neck met her shoulder. She throws it away without hesitation; the offending piece of clothing was obstructing her long enough. Shelby spends an inordinate amount of time rolling her fingers against Toni’s nipples, fascinated at her reactions. Toni’s breasts are far more sensitive than hers (and bigger) so Shelby takes her time, until Toni accidentally bites down hard on her lip. She apologizes profusely but Shelby just laughs and keeps kissing her.

Somehow they end up on the forest floor, horizontal, with Shelby on top of Toni and leaning over her, as the late afternoon sunlight reaches deep into the trees. After Toni found the softest piece of ground in their general area, she had toed off her shoes and stuffed her socks beside them. She had patted the spot next to her and Shelby almost rolls her eyes at the preposterousness of the suggestion. Was her hand not just tracing patterns against Toni’s skin? In a motion that had felt smoother than it probably looked, Shelby had straddled Toni. She heard Toni’s breath hitch.

Now they were kissing each other, both shirtless, as the sun settled between the ocean and the skyline. If Shelby gave it more thought, she’d think there’s something poetic (romantic), about their scene, even their situation as a whole, but she can only concentrate on so many things when Toni is underneath her, unsubtly moving her hips upwards. But she does enjoy that aspect of the island: there’s no real sense of time here. Sure, they have one of Fatin’s watches that probably costs more than a car and apparently Nora’s been keeping track of the days in her journal, but other than that, their days are determined by the sun rising and setting. And, of course, Dot’s itinerary plans for their survival.

Toni’s voice breaks her out of her thoughts. “This feels kinda familiar. You bring all your girls that you feed meds to here?

Her tone is teasing, but it brings memories Shelby doesn’t want to think about, not here, not ever again.

“What do you mean,?” she hates the way her voice shakes. 

“You think I don’t notice when a pretty girl is on top of me?” 

Shelby has to laugh. “Toni, you were barely conscious. I had to practically shove it down your throat.”

Toni gives her a hum of approval. “I guess so.”

Shelby kisses her again but it’s a short while later when Toni pulls away again. 

“I was thinking, we probably shouldn’t take off all our clothes. Don’t want to be naked if that goat comes back,” Toni says.

Maybe it’s the lack of food or her lust-addled brain, but Shelby swears she heard Toni say something else. Whatever it was, she wasn’t expecting for her brain to process that sentence (and all of its implications).

Her shock must shock on her face because Toni backtracks almost immediately. “I mean if you still want to. We don’t have to go the full way if you’re not comfortable.”

“We’re in the middle of the forest on a deserted island. And we’re probably going to die next week or get mauled by that goat, I think we can say I am far from comfortable.” her voice increases in pitch the longer she rambles off. It’s hard to avoid someone’s eye contact when you’re literally on top of them, but Shelby tries her best. Toni, however, tracks her movement with her own eyes.

That’s not what she wants to say. Shelby forces herself to look at Toni. “This isn’t some doomsday, spur of the moment thing. I want to, want to with you. I just…” and here it comes, the fear that’s been in the back of her mind since Toni kissed her back. “I just...what if I’m bad at it? I don’t know what to do and what if you don’t like what I’m doing or...or I accidentally stick my finger in your butthole. I saw that in a movie one time…” she’s a little bit panicked.

“You don’t even know if I like it up the butt,” Toni laughs but quiets when she sees the look on Shelby’s face doesn’t change. She takes Shelby’s shaking hands into her own. “Okay, no jokes. Look, we can take it slow as you need and stop whenever you want. There’s no one right way to hookup with someone, no matter their gender. And we can talk through it. You saw me with that oyster, I’ll be a great teacher.”

Shelby exhales, feeling slightly better. “Okay, that sounds good. But I don’t know if we should do that other stuff, no offense but you’re kinda gross.”

Toni fakes an offended gasp. “Look who’s talking. Besides, I went and cleaned off in the waterfall today which is more than you did!”

“Please, I can see the dirt on the side of your temple.” Shelby counters.

“Nah, you’re right. We’re gross but that’s why I stole the hand sanitizer out of the medicine bag, right under Dot’s nose, before we left. Figured we’d need it if one of us was going to commit goat murder,” Toni says too casually for someone talking about goat murder.

“You planned this out?” Shelby asks.

“Not exactly,” Toni shrugs, “but I guess, yeah, in a roundabout way.”

It’s slightly impressive, but Shelby doesn’t tell her that. After Toni’s reassurances, the buzzing in her stomach returned and is getting stronger by the second. She wants this, desperately.

“Where is it? The hand sanitizer.” She looks around, if it would somehow magically appear out of thin air.

Toni reaches for her bag, shifting the best she can around Shelby’s knees bracketing her hips in. Shelby tries to sit back but Toni shakes her head so she stays there and feels Toni shifting beneath her. If she presses down a little harder well then, so be it. Shelby sends a silent thankful prayer to God that the sanitizer is unscented, medical grade instead of the Unicorn Milkshake scent they found in Jeanette's suitcase. She squeezes some on to her hands, letting it slide in the cracks of her dry skin. She does it again, just in case. It’s the first time her hands have felt clean since the plane. Toni pours a dollop on her hands and it’s barely finished drying on her skin before Shelby kisses her.

Toni unceremoniously tosses the bottle away and as much as she wants to focus on Toni, Shelby can’t.

“Don’t you dare lose that hand sanitizer, Dot will kill us,” she hisses out in a whisper, not that they need to be quiet for any reason. The thought excites and intimidates her at the same time. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll get it later. Now stop talking, especially about Dot.” Toni responds and Shelby is glad for the excuse to stop talking. 

Turns out, kissing is infinitely better when it’s horizontal, Shelby discovers, even if it’s on the ground surrounded by lychees and the threat of goats arriving imminent. Once they start kissing again, she notices her hands return to Toni’s chest almost immediately. Toni squirms pleasantly under her and threads a hand through Shelby’s hair, holding her in place. The other hand snakes down to her hip and Toni moves it innocently onto her ass. It makes her laugh. Toni pushes gently down so that Shelby moves and rests her body completely against hers. She doesn’t expect the feeling of her bare chest on Toni’s and when they connect, she sighs contentedly.

Toni keeps her hand on Shelby’s lower back and it’s comforting in a way she didn’t know she wanted or needed. Although their movement is interrupted when Shelby’s hip cramps up so they have to readjust. When their bodies move apart, sticky with humidity, they make a horribly loud squelching sound. It takes her some time to convince Toni to stop laughing. There’s a mischievous glint in Toni’s eye when she suggests Shelby straddle only one leg instead of both but she doesn’t understand why until Toni’s knee is pressing deliciously between her legs. Shelby automatically grinds against it. She slips out a moan before she realizes what’s happening. Below her, Toni grins wickedly. That’s before Shelby realizes the pressure can go both ways and soon, she’s pressing her thigh into Toni, who stops laughing once the tables turn.

The sun is lower in the sky, giving everything a shiny, copper glow. It lights up Shelby’s skin, a combination of pale and sunburn and peeling, she feels like she’s on fire. It reminds her of Moses and the burning bush.

“Shelby, can I touch you?” Toni’s voice is higher-pitched than she’s heard it, almost needy. Somewhere along the way the buzzing in her stomach transformed into an ache between her legs. She looks down at Toni’s face, open and trusting, feels her hand on her lower back. She’s changed, Shelby realizes. Ever since she kissed Toni that day in the woods, Toni’s grown softer towards her. She certainly doesn’t treat her like Martha, but the general hostility and resentment has mostly faded away. And earlier when they were joking and laughing, the way Toni was looking at her when she thought Shelby wasn’t looking, it was affectionate, almost tender. 

She’s not scared, not with Toni. 

“Yeah you can,” her voice comes out in a whisper, but it’s strong and solid and doesn’t shake.

Toni’s hands trace across her stomach, tickling the fine, blonde hairs, until her fingers brush the top of Shelby’s shorts. Shelby burrows her face in the crook of Toni’s neck mostly because she thinks the image of Toni unbuttoning her shorts would be too overwhelming. Shelby shivers when Toni fumbles with the buttons. The sound of the metal teeth unlocking as Toni pulls her zipper down is deafening, even with all of the other natural sounds of the forest surrounding them. She pulls down her shorts, just a little, so they sit lower on her hips so Toni can have easier access to her underwear. She hears Toni let out a shallow breath when she sees the strappy, lace combination Shelby is wearing. Her hands hover over Shelby’s body like she’s hesitant to touch her.

Normally, Shelby would be embarrassed wearing underwear that was so lewd, but she didn’t really have a choice. After Dot took complete inventory of Fatin’s suitcase, they divided up the underwear and Fatin would pass out a new pair to each girl every few days at breakfast. Nora did her best impression of Oprah when Underwear Day came, skipping around their campsite shouting “you get new underwear, you get new underwear”. It always made everyone else, even Rachel would crack a small smile when she thought Nora wasn’t looking. She always noticed. For Shelby, it reminded her of the mission trips she used to go on with Dad to various impoverished parts of Latin American countries. Instead of handing out food or other supplies, it was underwear. It wasn’t much and it was strange wearing someone else’s clothes, especially someone like Fatin, but at least they were clean. 

Toni nudges the side of Shelby’s ear with her forehead causing her to unfurrow from the safety in Toni’s neck. She stares at Toni, who seems to be asking her question with just the arch of her eyebrow. Shelby nods.

There’s no way to prepare her for the feeling of Toni’s fingers slipping into her underwear and sliding through the wetness there. It sends a shock through her entire system, racing up to the top of her head and down all the way to the tips of her toes. 

Toni voices exactly what she’s feeling. “Fuck, Shelby you’re so wet.”

There’s awe in her voice but Shelby can’t help the anxious feeling that starts blooming in her throat.

‘Oh, um. sorry. I know it’s kinda gross,” she mumbles. Because in that moment, it hits her how incredibly wet she is. She can feel the dampness on her inner thighs and the way her underwear is sticking to her, she must be soaked. God, how embarrassing. 

Toni looks at her incredulous and confused at the same time. “No, it’s a good thing. It means you’re enjoying it. Trust me, it’s hot. Like, extremely hot.”

Shelby lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She relaxes again until Toni starts moving her hand again and then she can’t breathe for another reason. Toni’s fingers slide over her clit and Shelby jerks into Toni’s hand, hard. She laughs at the absurdity of it all: experience the exact thing her father feared and sent her away for, on the floor of a tropical forest of all places. Toni concentrates her movements around Shelby’s clit and she can’t help the moan that escapes her throat. She can feel the pressure building, jolts of pleasure zipping through her every few seconds, but for some reason, she can’t quite get all the way. Toni shifts, moving the position of her fingers and starts rubbing tight, fast circles around her clit, which feel so, so fucking good, but she still can’t finish. 

The worrying starts again and before long, her thoughts are so loud she can barely concentrate on the feeling Toni’s fingers are giving her. It takes her a few times to speak, the words getting caught in her throat mixing with the anxiety that’s already there. 

“You don’t have to keep going, if you don’t want to. I don’t know why it’s not working,” Shelby mutters. She can feel tears of frustration forming in her eyes and wills herself not to cry. Toni’s hand stops immediately.

“You sure? I don’t mind,” Toni’s sweet to her, too good for her. 

“Yeah, I’m probably just broken or something,” she shrugs and doesn’t look at Toni. 

The other girl softens instantly. “No, no no. You’re not. You probably just need something else.”

“It doesn’t matter, I guess,” okay maybe Shelby is crying a little. 

Toni grabs both of her hands. She tries not to feel how wet Toni’s fingers are on her right hand, just reminding her of her inadequacy. 

“Hey, it does matter. I want you to be able to feel as good as possible. If that means that direct pressure on your clit-” Shelby can’t stop the blush on her cheeks- “then that’s totally fine. We can just try something else.”

Toni wipes away the tear tracking down her cheek. “At home, how do you make yourself come?”

Shelby laughs just from shock at Toni’s boldness. “That is a highly personal question! You can’t just ask that out of nowhere”

“Come on, Shelby. My hand was just-”

“Okay, okay.” Shelby lets out a sigh, more embarrassed that she’s talking about this with Toni. She already told everyone about how she uses the jets in her bathtub, but Shelby’s assuming Toni wants more explicit detail. 

“I guess I kinda move my hips with whatever it is, usually the jets in my bathtub at home,” she admits. 

Toni looks thoughtful. “You mean like grinding?”

Shelby nods, unable to vocally confirm what she means.

“Okay,” Toni moves her hands to Shelby’s hips, “do what you were doing before. On my leg.”

“Won’t that hurt? She looks at Toni.

“Nah, it won’t. Besides I wanna make you feel good.” Toni looks at her earnestly. 

“Okay,” Shelby says hesitantly, but she trusts Toni so she moves to straddle one of Toni’s legs again. Beneath her, Toni bends her knee so that Shelby only has to sit back a few inches before she feels Toni’s leg pressing lightly against her center. 

“Come here,” Toni says. She kisses Shelby slowly, letting her take her time getting used to the new sensation. She’s still apprehensive when she presses down onto Toni’s bent leg but she’s met with the same amount of pressure. Toni must be flexing her leg so it’s firm enough for her. She’s distracted with Toni’s leg so she startles when Toni brushes her hand along the underside of her breast again. Shelby jumps but Toni’s leg is right there and there’s a friction there when it wasn’t there before. It hits her core and her clit throbs. She grinds down on Toni’s leg again, the same sensation happens.

“Oh,” she lets out a breath and she feels Toni smiling into the kiss. 

“There it is,” she says.

It's like a switch flipped in Shelby’s brain. She starts off slow, but when the feeling doesn’t fade, instead growing exponentially, she increases her speed with a muffled groan. Toni’s hands stay on her hips, guiding them and encouraging her to go faster. The growing pressure behind her clit spreads and she can feel it in her stomach and abs and it’s glorious. Toni presses kisses on the side of her neck, right in line with her pulse point, and she can feel her heart beating rapidly against Toni’s lips. She knows she’s close but God, she wants Toni to be more involved somehow. 

“ Toni, I...fuck, I need your fingers,” It’s hard to talk, her words coming out of her mouth in short bursts between her labored breathing. Toni, bless her heart, understands exactly what she needs. Toni flattens the leg that Shelby was grinding against and she’s initially disappointed at the loss of pressure, but then Toni shoves her hand down the front of Shelby’s underwear. Another moan rips from her throat and Toni groans beneath her. Toni can’t find her clit for a moment since she’s completely soaked but then Toni’s middle finger catches on it and she starts moving with Shelby, rocking up against her. It takes a few more seconds but then Shelby’s coming, snapping her legs against Toni’s hand and her clit fluttering and shaking against Toni’s fingers. She feels it in her stomach and when she thinks she’s done, her clit keeps twitching until, finally, blissfully, she relaxes. 

She’s sweaty and gross but so incredibly blissed out with emotion and physical relief that feels like she’s waited years for, Shelby thinks she could cry, before realizing she is. Silent tears are streaming down her face but she can’t help but laugh. She sniffles and kisses Toni, tasting the salt of her tears.

“Holy shit,” Toni says.

Shelby’s laugh is watery. “I feel like that’s what I should be saying.”

She kisses Toni again deeply, just because she can. She’s sated and relieved and feeling like there’s a weight off of her chest. She catches Toni rubbing her thighs together and suddenly it’s like she never came at all. Shelby moves so she’s hovering over Toni again and she must be feeling bold because she takes Toni’s hand from where it’s resting on her own side to between Toni’s legs. It’s clear that’s not what Toni was expecting her to do and she wheezes a little when both of their hands make contact. 

“Show me what to do,” Shelby directs, her voice filled with a confidence that wasn’t there before.

Toni nods and guides Shelby’s hand under her leggings. It’s awkward, with the angle and the fabric of the leggings constricting her movement, but Shelby’s still astonished nonetheless. Toni is equally as wet as Shelby was and it takes some coordination for both of them to move Shelby’s hand, but once she gets a good rhythm going, it doesn’t take long. Maybe it’s the way Toni is gripping upper arm, but Shelby knows she’s close. She can feel Toni’s hand under hers, moving in a way that's unfamiliar to her, before realizing Toni’s fingers are going inside of herself. She's overwhelmed at the feeling and jealous at the same time and then silly for feeling envious of a body part, especially when she can just ask Toni to do it herself. So she does. 

Toni nods shakily and pulls her hand out her leggings. “Just go slow.”

If Shelby thought Toni touching her for the first time was overwhelming, nothing compares to the feeling of pressing into Toni and then being surrounded by wet heat. It makes her own clit throb again, but Shelby reminds herself this isn’t about her, not this time. Toni rocks with the movement of Shelby’s fingers pushing in and out of her and instinctively she presses the heel of her palm to Toni’s clit. She moves, once, twice, the tension building in her body before finishing against Shelby’s hand, slumping back onto the ground. 

Shelby looks at Toni and affection bubbles up in her chest. She brushes the strands of hair off of Toni’s sweaty forehead.

Apparently they’ve found something else they’re good at other than arguing because ten minutes later she grinds against the flexing muscles of Toni’s stomach, sloppy and frantic, and when her finger slides in and curls, Shelby feels so full that it’s only a few seconds before she reaches a stuttering, shaking climax against Toni. 

She makes Toni come two more times. Once with Toni talking her through it and once all on her own, with Toni too far gone to offer anything else than vague murmurs of encouragement through her short gasps of Shelby’s name. It’s intoxicating, the power she has, the trust and communication between the two of them. She doesn’t ask to go again but Toni must see a glint in her eyes and convinces her they should probably conserve energy since they’ve only eaten an absurd amount of lychees in the past three days. 

By now, the sun has nearly set so they get ready to sleep in the half-light. Toni insists Shelby take her drawstring, as some sort of substitute for a pillow, a gesture that Shelby finds chivalrous and silly at the same time. Why don't both of them use it? They compromise by snuggling together, so close that Shelby can still make out the irises of Toni’s eyes, even in the twilight. Shelby settles next Toni, who is looking up at the stars through the patches of trees surrounding them. Hundreds of stars dot the night sky and Shelby tries to look for constellations but she doesn’t recognize any. This reminds her of the trips her family would take out to west Texas, where there weren’t streetlights or lit buildings for miles. It amazes her, how beautiful a place can be, but also how much of a nightmare this island has been.

Thinking about Texas reminds Shelby of her father, in all of the wrong ways. “You know, before this I went on this trip, my daddy thought it was a place to send me out to camp to “fix me up.”

She chuckles sadly. “Like my teeth, I’d just come back, shiny and new and clean.”

Toni doesn’t say anything at first and for a second, Shelby thinks she’s fallen asleep impossibly fast. 

But then, “You mean like conversion therapy and shit?”

“It would appear so.” she says.

“Fuck, I’m sorry Shelby, that’s hardcore.” Toni responds, more sincere than Shelby has ever heard her.

“Explains why I’m so fucked up,” she waves her hands around, trying to name something she can’t exactly articulate.

It falls silent between them for a considerable amount of time. She’s about to fall asleep when she hears Toni’s voice, small and vulnerable. Shelby supposes Toni thinks she’s asleep.

“I know life is shit on this island and I know your life is shitty back home, but for whatever it’s worth, I’m glad you’re here.” Toni slips her hand into Shelby’s open one. It’s warm and comforting and she can’t remember the last time someone held her hand like this (other than Becca) and she felt completely safe, completely herself.

She falls asleep to the sound of crickets chirping and the wind blowing softly through the trees and Toni’s hand in hers. 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic (and these characters) are very close to my heart while, I have never been stranded on an island, I relate to a lot of Toni and Shelby's story. Because come on, Toni and Shelby (and the rest of the girls) deserve the world
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr (@iamkidfish)<< my inbox is always open for fic prompts or just if you wanna yell about these characters!
> 
> Any comments and/or kudos is appreciated!! Thanks for reading :)


End file.
